i hate me

for those who hate me, you are starting to convince me that there is really something to be hated about me..
but as of now, i still could not figure out the the why’s and the how’s

you could tell me upfront, ill accept every flaw that i have
ill try to change, most especially if that benefits all of us..

i really hate such atmosphere: having to feel every eyes searching for every inch of mistake i might commit..
i know that you also know the feeling of someone hating you but not really telling you that he or she hates you
if you get irritated of my behavior, please do tell me..
if you get irritated of my laughs, please do tell me..
if you get irritated of what i say, please do tell me..
if you get irritated of how i look,in pictures or even personally, please do tell me..
the frankest words can soothe you after killing every pride that you have
but all the lies and the issues unsolved will just keep on torturing you,
leaving you alive but at the same time, leaving you near death..

i am not being self-righteous here
all i want is peace of mind..
so let’s settle this once and for all..

Destiny (a song)

i made a song.. while reviewing for physiology during our lunchbreak in school..
i couldnt concentrate reviewing and so.. i turned to making a song for our Father..

actually, i also made a tune for it, however, i forgot.. 😀

so here it goes

Title: Destiny

You are my everlasting God,
with every work, with every word, with every step i make
you never let me down
the choice i take, the plans you make
has taught me to this day
i will never forget the times
You help me through the mysteries
i thought i’ll never see
im no longer the way i used to be
You are my destiny
You are , You are my destiny

i could remember the tone already, its 3/4 time signature…
i wish i could play it in the piano..
errr…
but i have no piano with me
so… i must rely on my short memory.. 😀

so called mr. med

4pm na.. uwian na..
as usual, daan ulit sa gate 3.. dirediretso hanggang sa loop ng rimando..
hintay hintay.. may aurora hill.. di ako sumakay, mukha kasing siksikan…
tpos may sumunod na AH jeep galing magsaysay, mukhang puno, pero on second look, hindi..
so ayun sumakay na ako.. too preoccupied, di ko napansin kung sino sino mga nasa jeep..
pero wala naman tlga akong kakilala.. ang point ko lng e, di ko napapansin kung may sumakay pa after me.. basta ang alam ko, girl ung katabi ko sa left.. mjo near kasi ako sa exit nung jeep.. driver’s side..
alam ko na! preoccupied ako kasi nag gm ako sa sc team na may meet ng 5:30pm sa center, so un..
malapit na sa turning point, tuloy tuloy ung jeep, so sbi ko, eskwelahan po..
aun! may nag ulit (pero kninang nasa jeep ako, di ko napansin, ang alam ko, may nag ulit lng, or was it just my imagination?)
so malapit na sa extension, tpos ayun, pumara na ako, nagulat ako kasi may kasabay ako, di ko napnsin mukha nia, so tuloy lang ako sa pag baba sa jeep.
bago ako makalayo, kinausap ako ng kasabay kong bumaba mula sa likod, akala ko magtatanong xa kung nasan ang gnito gnian.. tpos nagulat ako, he asked kung med ako.. tpos sbi ko, opo..
then he started asking kung sino loecturer nmin ngyn, ano topic namin.. then he started talking na, tips and all.. napansin ko kamay nia, kasi susunod na siguro sa kamay, sbi nia.. then i asked, nagmemed po kyo? sbi nia, 3rd year, sa october mag…. di ko na naintindihan, kung ano man un , hehe.. dun ko napansin na gwapo xa… over!
tpos nagkwento xa na si doc laygo ba un o si doc tanyee, a basta whoever, magdidiscuss ng knee, tpos sbi nia galing daw sa usmle na book from him ung pinagkunan.. tpos he said din na thorek gmitin kong book, kasi un tlga ginagamit nila..napansin kong maganda ilong nia.. tangos! parang tisoy, gnun, hehe, hindi tsinoy ha, tisoy, tpos na ako sa tsik era ko, hehe.. anyway, napansin ko ring may braces xa, ewan ko kung ano kulay, di ko maalala, pero parang violet ata.. hmmm.. baka bading, oh no! hindi naman siguro.. o well, basta di xa nakauniform, kaya di ko alam na med xa, hehe..
pero alam mo, i wanna see him again.. mjo nalimutan kong busy gal pla ako, hahaha, o well, may this be a good start! (just dumped a thing kasi, so parang giving that up made me meeting him, a blessing in disguise.. parang… God wants you to give up something only to give you something better—the reality..)
and yeah, i didnt know his name.. pero alam nia na dito ung bahay nmin, weird.. hindi ko tuloy alam kung nagslow down ako kaya nia sinabi un o ung sinasabi ni cath na he was observing na dati pa.. toinks.. pero sana di xa bading, pero kung hindi nga, sana di xa playboy or something like that.. aiaiaiiaai, here comes cupid again, stop na! wala pa akong 3 month rule.. kahapon ko lng kaya inano si ano, bad!

well… basta thank GOd its August 11, 2010, wednesday.. now this day’s significant.. mark that! around 4:20-4:25..hehe, nlimutan kong dead meat ako sa ana quiz nmin knina, hehe

pero alam mo, i wanna be a dctor na.. i mean, ayan na ung bonus o, hahaha

sneezing

i wish i could just sneeze the pain away..
i should not have chosen you..
sbi nga ni popoy, you have chosen to break my heart..

iv got nothing more to say. the pain is just too deep for words.

paperweight

seeing the words..
soldier, french, long distance, love
makes me think of you
really weird, i should not be thinking of this anymore..

i thought, letting go is at its best when you are not too attached to a thing
but turns out…
time spent with a person for 8 years is also the same as spending 4 months with another.. on the aspect of letting go
yesterday, i was ok..
now.. i felt a bit of ache

i know i am not in love
its just that, he was my first..
my very first.
or maybe i did fell.

it is really hard, especially on the moving on stage, whenever you think of the future plans you had together..
geezz.. i should have guarded my heart more.

i had to let go..
i know our relationship wasnt right.
not because it was long distanced
nor because he was a soldier
but because he was not a christian
it’s between choosing Him or him.
and i chose Him.
let Him heal me.
the relationship shouldnt have started in the first place.
i knew it was wrong.
i wasnt compromising physically
but.. my standards have been compromised.
my standards which are founded on Him.
and so.. this shall end.

so its you again

i was really thinking of you on my way home from school a while ago
i was on a jeep
i was pondering on things..
actually i thought of pahope asking me how we are..
i answered, he is totally out, we are totally off
that we dont talk anymore, that.. i already ditched it..

then..
when i checked my messages
here he goes again
reappearing from nowhere as if nothing cold had happened between us
as if i had not tried to ditch him off
as if he had not tried to talk me after the incident
he talked to me as if he still cared

honestly, all i can feel now is remorse..
just because of the promise i made, i did talk to you
but the mutual feeling is already gone
you cant expect me to believe everything he says
after the incident, it made me realize that i didnt know him by a lot

i thought it was really over, it has been some time since mutuality has its peak
as if it has “depolarized”..
exactly what am i thinking now?
i think he is playing..
maybe he got bored so he came back
as the movie, “he is not that into you” says:
“if he does not give a $%^&, he really does not give a $%^&”

it counteracts what i read months ago..that..
i should let him go, and if he comes back, he is ready for commitment.

its kinda confusing and frustrating at the same time
when he was asking for a commitment, i hated it
when i was asking for it, he never showed up
now that i had given up, he comes back…

i really think he is playing me..
this game is not new to me..
i have played this a lot of times, with the same person..
and both of us lost..
and now, another entity asks for it,
will i ever win it?

i guess, winning against the other is not the issue,
its just a matter of who remains whole after the game,
never losing anything: not losing himself to himself..

but you know, i really did miss him then…
now? all is blank, i dont care anymore..

missing my best friend

i really dont know why im feeling this way
i really dont get too emotional especially with my best friend
e kasama ko kaya yan sa mga kalokohan, kainan, pakapalan ng mukha
xa nagtatawag sa mga waiter pag nhihiya akong magtawag
xa nanlilibre pag natripan nming kumain
laging xa nagsshare ng lablyp nia
ako ang naman tong quiet lng
pag may exams madalas kasama ko xa, magaling gmawa ng reviewer e
my lab reports, gusto ko xa kasama ko, kasi… ako bhla sa theoretical xa bhala mag explain
may mga strengths ako ng weakness nia, and vice versa
we were friends since pre school
tpos.. ngyn post grad na.. maghihiwalay na kmi
actually..
di ko alam na magkakahiwalay kami
nku, kung pwede lng tlga ako mag aral dun sa place nia
sana nag apply nrin ako
kaso gusto ksi ng parents ko na dito nlng ako..
nakakaiyak kasi ngyn lng ako mahihiwalay sa best friend ko
ung ibang tao, tolerable ang pagkawala nila e
pero ung best friend ko ang mahiwalay skin, nakakaiyak din pla
i thought guys lng ang iniiyakan
i thought korni ung iyakan mo ung best friend mo
pero.. nakakaiyak pla tlga

i know i would be seeing her pag nasa province kmi
pero kasi, iba pa rin ung sa ups and downs mo physically nandun xa
naiiyak tlga ako.

emotional nga ako.
pero i never thought i would be so close to her that getting too far from her would make me miss her so much..

generally,
mhirap tlgang mging super close sa isang tao
kaya nga dati ayokong magkabest friend e!
kasi mhirap mging attached sa isang tao.. guy o gal man yan..

she would always be my best friend..
whatever differences we may have..
ill be missing her so much..oooo

lost

Over the ocean that separates our bloom
Over the storm that roars us apart
So take away the freedom, vacate this room
Take away the scent, vacate my sight.

The freedom that paved the way to you
This room that wasn’t ready to let off of you
The scent that as if forever lingered
My sight—only you it has remembered.

The possibility I had been waiting for
The reality I had been praying more
The love I never dreamed of
Was even better than what I left off.

Letting go of you wasn’t because I was in pain
But of my foreseen rejection from your disdain
Our promise of waiting, we must soon forget
‘Cause deceiving you would be my greatest regret.

lost without you

dreams to the max

kanina nanaginip ako
sinabi sakn daw ni max na niloko nia lng ako
uber! pano kung tunay nga yun? katakot naman
kaya dapat , wag paloloko
baka hindi pala xa ung nasa picture,di ba?
uber!

pero honestly
i love the attention
it was way too overwhelming
i mean, it’s a record
he is my first
i am officially on courtship stage
haha

ewan ko kung xa ung tinutukoy nung manghuhula
pero sa ngayon, masaya ako sa panliligaw nia
haha

pero may isang problema
alam kong di ko muna dapat isipin to e
pero we have the same surnames, uber a!
ayoko ng gnun! haha

pero we are halfway aroungd the world in distance
pero.. for experience.. cge..haha
is this it? haha

come what may
sana christian xa
pero pakiramdam ko hindi 😦
ayoko naman ng hindi christian
ayoko ng smoker
pero kasi smoker ung friend nia
tska iniisip ko baka sobrang tangkad nia
bka hanggang bewang nia lang ako, uber, ayoko! haha
o well, bhala na.. sa ngyon, ill enjoy the attention and the momentum.

journey (playing)

so glad we got this far.
so glad, honestly
i felt like crying.. a cry for joy
i loved you so much
and i still do.
i graduated from college and all, and still, here i am, falling for you all over again
yes, i love you
this is so much for a love story
cause its not a love story
its just love

i never felt so
i missed talking to you, so light, yet so happy
i felt love 🙂
i felt you
i felt the love from you
i have always wanted to be this light
and yes, i found it with you

its just that..
it may just be me
just me
on my own

but still,
my love
i love you
after all the heartaches
after all that is said and done
i still do
love you
i stil do fall for you
no, i still stay in love with you
i dont fall
i just felt love.
🙂