things are getting off hand these days..
the new love smeared a pinch of pain into my nerves once again.
even the past memoirs.. they don’t really haunt me.. i make them haunt me..
How tragic it is. Making things complicated for myself , when things can really be easy for me.
i do things i did before–i knew wouldn’t work–but still did the same–with the same results.
i kept on expecting. assuming. manipulating. and in the end. i still kept on hurting.
hardheadedness just can’t get off my system.
this is me.
i keep on sewing my self to the lives of the special other..
and in the end, my threads are just entangled with my own..
not really tying knots with that someone.. foolish, i am.
my heart just cant wait for the right prince to come and sweep me off my feet.
i just easily fall down the stairs, the railings just won’t help me.
many are the times wasted waiting. pushing. pulling.
but everything was for the wrong reasons.
when can it be so right?
when can be too good can really be true?
when can vain never be together with waiting?
the most hurtful part of moving on
is the part when you know that the one you love is already happy.
that he is very very okay even if he is not with you anymore.
I just thank God, He still strengthens me and reminds me that I can also be happy, if I choose to.
That I can also move on, if I want to.
That I can love again, have a new beginning, give my heart to the right person, at the right time, at the right place, with the right intentions….if I only I wait.
That I can still be able to live without feeling the ache in my heart
That I can still worship God through my singleness
That I can still be complete even if it’s only me and my God
That when the time comes that He let him meet me, it would be as if the angels are rejoicing
That I can still find a relationship with God in our center
That I can still be found by that great man made by God who would sweep me off my feet, take my breath away, love me till death do us part
That I don’t have to look for him, search for him
That I am God’s daughter, His princess, He will lead my prince to me
That I am like a treasure to that prince, long searched and still found
That I am worth the wait
That I am worth loving
That that man is thinking of me now, waiting for the time that we will meet
That that man is reserving all of his love for me
That that man is preserving his purity for me
That that man will be the man I will be submitting to when we become one
That that prince will not just build a castle in my name, but let me live in it and call it home
That that prince will love Jesus more than me, with that, my heart is secured that He is the right man
That that prince will lead me to a better relationship with Christ
That that prince is worth waiting
That that prince is also worth loving
That that prince will soon come
That that prince is the Only One.
but the happiest part of moving on?
is when you know that there’s someone who is waiting at the door
not just to take your breath away, or keep your heart
but that, he would protect your heart, and keep it pure
and that…. I am committing myself to wait for him.
moving on is never easy. you have to do a lot of things just to move on.
but..there is no specific formula for a perfect moving on process. for now, my only resort is to pray to our God.
God has never left me during every moving on process I attempt.
He always assure me that everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it is not yet the end.
I have just arrived from vacation with my friends, I enjoyed every moment with them, but at the end of the day, when I am on my own, I feel helpless that my only source strength is through God. I have always shed tears, if not cried, every night, since my “letting go” moment. It is still hard. I still feel the pain. One month time has not yet healed the wounds thoroughly, but.. I know that God is healing me and at the same time teaching me to slow down and wait for Him. He has plans for me “plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future”.
If I thought that my previous “love” was the best I could get, that made it hard for me to move on, He proved me wrong.
Recently, He has let me be acquainted with many different people, as if telling me, “I can give you more than that, just trust me”.
I have times of major disobedience. I have times when I have pulled the leg of God just to get what I want, mind you, He gives it to me… only to let me realize that this is not meant for me, that what I want is really very stupid, very worldly. Time and again, I do that. I am a hard-headed Christian, if I may say. I sometimes do things my own way, but I also have my obedient moments, and those are the moments I cherished.
I want to find the joy of being satisfied with God, because I know that when I am satisfied with Him, He is most glorified.
I don’t have to find someone to love, God wants to be loved.
I don’t have to find someone to love me, God loves me, if I will just let Him.
I don’t have to find someone to give me flowers during monthsaries, God has created every blooming days just to give me bouquets.
I don’t have to worry about miscommunication, God has laid every explanation I needed in the Bible. He even wrote me “letters”!
I don’t have to find someone to accompany all the days of my life, HE is with me ALWAYS.
I have covered Him with worldly desires of my heart that I have to look for Him again, knock at His door again. And He promised me that I will still find Him there.
Moving on is never easy, but it is a beautiful journey.
March 29, 2012
You’ll never know the difference between crush and love unless you experience it.
You can never hate someone you have crush on, but you can still hate someone you love and still love them in the same way.
I had crush on this person before I have loved him.
Sadly, I have to let him go before I have realized that I really love him.
I have to see him with some other girl before I realize I actually have feelings for him.
I have to feel all the pain before love occurred to me.
I am okay. I am at peace. But my heart has not yet found joy.
Yesterday was painful. Dreadful. Tearful. Fearful. Doubtful.
But I can say that everything before those negatives is a beautiful story that I always thought was a lie.
Well, it wasn’t. It was real.
I have doubted everything that was real.
I always find faults that I have no time to love anymore.
I was always skeptic on love that I have not let him love me.
I have pushed him away.
I have pushed his heart so far that I have let someone else take him away.
Love is not a feeling, crush is a feeling of admiration. Love is a choice. You choose to love a person even if everything seemed impossible. Someone who looks much more good looking than someone you love doesn’t change your love, it confirms your love: that no matter how much “more” the new person is, your heart still sees that person as ordinary.
Now is desolation.
My only prayer for now is this:
Lord, let Your love overflow in my heart that I will have no space to love Max anymore.
Again, I am at peace. But I am still on the process of finding joy in my heart.