solution: God knows.

Testimony to be:
i gave my tithe–the 10% of what i am praying for as allowance; i usually give tithes after i receive the blessing from God. But this time, i really am having a leap of faith.
hoping for the best. still. being still.

believe. have faith. pray, and it will be given to you.

May 09, 2011, monday. the day the officer said that i could already claim my passport.
i emailed him to reassure me if it was already sent to our place, but nothing.
and so. i and my friend, still went to their office.

before climbing the stairs, i prayed, “God, the passport!”
before sitting in the waiting area, i prayed, “God, the passport!”
before giving my receipt to the man in charge for release, i prayed, “God, the passport!”
while waiting again for my name to be called, i prayed, “God, the passport! Please give me my passport..”
and the man called my name. He said that he couldnt give me my passport today.
i was shocked!
then i said, “Sir, dfa manila told me i could get my passport today.”
then he checked my status. He said, “a so bbyahe ka na pla.” (so you’re already going)
I said yes.
Then he told me to wait.
i saw him pick a passport form the table. then went around the room
then he let me signed some papers, and the electirc signature thing
then he gave me MY PASSPORT.
i said thank you.

then with a smile on my face, i went out. then whispered, “God, thank you so much!”
and told my friend the good news!

Bongga ka God! You made it happen! One down!

prob next: finances.

but i know, i still will hold on.
God, dont let me go.

this day, is one magnificent one where God has showcased how He can take control of the situation you are in. How sovereign He is!

LAst night, i had my quiet time, and it led me to reading Psalm 146:5-6.
5 Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the LORD their God.
6 He is the Maker of heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them—
he remains faithful forever.

This was the promise I held on to last Feb 27, 2011. I was still praying then for the Singapore exchange program. and it was granted!

then last night, I held on to again to another promise for my passport release.. Psalm 145:13-14
13The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.
14 The LORD upholds all who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

I woke up this morning and read the Bible. I read Psalms again then eventually read 2 Chronicles 20:15.
It says
“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.”
and I took hold of that promise that today is His day, His battle day. That I must now be still.. and know that He is God.

I was really ready to give up a while ago. i even talked to my friend who is next in line for my slot. but she told me, “you prayed for this, hold on to it.”

and yes, i still did hold on to it.

as i was browsing the net, i thought of looking through the website of dept. of foreign affairs (dfa). then eventually led to a page where i can see the nos. and emails i can contact. i did call them, almost all of their lines are busy. then since there is no other way, i emailed. i told them i was a delegate and i needed an urgent assistance.

while waiting, i told my mother that i would go to the church tonight. She let me.
and after that, someone is calling me on my cellphone. i even hesitated, and a little bit shocked. i thought it was one of the hotlines of dfa who were calling me. i thought, how can they trace me back? then i answered.

He asked for me. then immediately said, i read your email. ( by then, i realised it was from dfa manila) and said that since i was a delegate for an exchange student for Singapore, they immediately grant my request and assured me that by Monday, I can already get my passport!

HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT?!

after 3 days of fasting, after a week of praying (starting from the week when they told me I was included in the Sg program). God answered. And yes, this is really for me.

All I wanted to say is that.
When you pray for it, hold on to it. Really tight. and Hold on to God.
He is the only one you can turn to at times of impossibilities.
Dont let trials bring you down.
Let trials bring you to God.
then let God do His magnificent plan over you.

Persevere in praying.

My friend said to me a while ago on the phone.(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
16 Rejoice always,
17 pray continually,
18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

run the raise. even while you wait (from While Im Waiting by John Waller)

God bless!

i really dont know how to get through these 2 morbid weeks.. the weeks left before may 16–our flight to singapore.

but before anything else let me tell you the whole story:

January, we fasted. this is a yearly fast, which we made monthly. i prayed for an Indonesia exchange student trip. but it was declined. then I told God, “maybe next time”.

by February, while I was reviewing for an exam in the morning, my mother texted me, that i must process my passport already because she wanted to bring me to Macau.

then, i told God, “this is it! it may not be Indonesia, but here’s MAcau! i hope next time it would already be singapore”

then days after, the college dean posted “AMSEP (Asian Medical Student Exchange Program) -Singapore”
I was really shocked! it was as if God said “you wanted Singapore? Here’s Singapore”

So thinking that it was really God’s will for me to see that poster, i immediately applied for the slot. nationwide, there would only be 10 people who will represent the Philippines.

By March , there are already rumors about the AMSEP delegates, and im not one of them. so i told God, “maybe it’s not your will, ’cause if it’s God’s will, it’s God’s bill.”

by end of April, my friend texted me at 12am. but eventually read it at 6am. she told me that we are both included in the AMSEP singapore. so out of shock, i flooded her with text to ask if its really true. i even texted my other friends to confirm if it’s real. so, on the same day, i knew im an official delegate of the Philippines for AMSEP SIngapore.

then on the same day, too, the first of the set of problems arose.

here is the scenario:
according to order

1. i told my grandparents about it since they are the ones with me that time, then they asked… “how much will it cost”—-> A: it costs 12,500 for my whole stay there excluding the roundtrip ticket which is 11,221.65. here’s the problem, we’ve got no enough money.

2. my friend, who would be with me to singapore, applied for a passport. but dfa told her it would only be released by june. which means, she cannot have her passport on or before our scheduled flight.

3. the coordinator told us that they would be decreasing the slots to 7. so i told God, “if it’s not your will, you might as well not let me in, but you know i wanted to be included”—> so after 2days, he told me i was chosen as one of the 7 delegates, and my friend is not.

4. i told God, “i cannot go to singapore without companion.” —> He gave me the delegate from UST. she texted me and asked me i could be her companion in the trip. so i agreed but still praying hard that my friend would also be included on that trip.

5. so i told her to book out tickets already. even if its already turning dark, i rush out of the house to get a ride. so we waited really long. i got a hint that God does not want me to go and book. but then, finally, i got a ride. when we get there, i texted the girl to be online so that we could book together. i already had the go signal from my friend to go and book first. so while i was on the process of booking, when the payment came, my mom’s credit card is not validated several times. so i used another credit card but it went to nothing. so, i kinda lied to the girl telling her i already booked even if i was not, since i am planning to book next time with my aunt’s credit card. and so, i booked myself. but here come’s another prob.

6.so sunday came, i rested. but still prayed about it. then monday came, i went to Baguio even if i knew my brother has chicken pox and im not still immune to it. so on the same day, i went to a public hospital but the lines were too long so we transferred to a private one. we went to several, i really mean several rooms to ask if they had the vaccine for the pox, we waited too long only to know that i was not availble. but God is still good He made a way for us to see an open door with a pedia inside, and asked her sec if we could have a booster of the vaccine. and so.. i eventually had. (of course, i did not want to have the pox by flight time) then another prob.

7. i got a text from dfa on same day, monday, telling me that my passport will be delayed. so. i joined my friend to the dean’s to ask for a letter to the dfa. so we had it and went to the office of the dfa. i was already thinking of cancelling my ticket.

8. we went but still declined. they told us the the letter needed a letter heading. at least, a seal of the school. and told us that even if we did, we still have little chance to be considered. so while walking home, i told my friend, how about we ask help from the local government. since the city hall is just near, we immediately went there. i texted the coord that we cannot have our passports on time.

9. at the city hall, we saw my friend’s mom. she told us to go directly to the mayor. so went upstairs and went to his office. we asked the people there about our problem, if we can ask for the help of the mayor. but they refer us to a friend of the officer in dfa. so we went there and he help us. he told us to go the next morning and he’ll update us about it.
then we saw again my friend’s mom, she told us that she would be the one to tallk to the mayor’s sec. so we went again upstairs and talk to the mayor’s sec. she told us to go back again the next morning with the letter from the dean and our personal letter to the mayor.

10. we went back to the dean’s office but he got out already. so we had no choice but to first go back to school then get the letter with heading.

sooooo. May 2, 2011, Monday, today. We’re waiting. and We’re praying. hard. for whatever will or plan God has.

Whenever God puts you to a test, just remember: “People who fall the hardest, bounces back the highest.”

God, i know You won’t bring me down. I know im on a test of faith. im on the desert with other israelites. God, i know, if it’s Your will, It’s Your bill.

first..
im going to second year of medscul.
for some, this might not even matter, but it matters most to me..
cause only at the last month (march) did i realize i like to move on to the next level of medscul
i realized that i already love med, that i really wanted to be a doctor
this event gave me a big blow to the head
this encouraged me that i am given second chance to: improve myself, to prove myself, to extend my potentials,to know more of myself, and to know the extent of my trust in God

God has tested me through this school year
at first, i really did not want to enroll for medscul
i hated it. i even hated my family for pushing me to this
but now.. i am so greatful for their unending push
i wanted where i am now, and for that i really a greatful to them
and to God, i wanted to thank Him for all the hardships He had given me
He made me realize, that my circumstances (e.g. health stat) wont hinder me from pursuing His plan for me as long as i trust in Him alone
He tested my potentials as a student, never did i imagine that medscul would be that hard
but I wanted to thank Him for the wisdom, the knowledge, the patience, the understanding that He gave me
He has equipped me
He has LOVE me, all the way
He never forsakes me
He has proved me that
He has shown me how BIG He is
How His power, His strength is best shown in our weakness.. (i love this line!)

second, He made me find really good friends, good groupmates
at first, i thought, i hated my section since iv got no upb batchmates that i am closed to
but eventually, i found new friends, trusted them, and yeah, i really love their company
God really has led me to people who can encourage me, help me in my times of trouble and of course train me in extending my patience and my abilities.. (He has given me the chance to be patient)
He led me to people who would bless me among the people I am with (the alilem med mession encounter)
He has His plans, as He slowly unfolds it for me, i really found it amazing!
then my line goes: “kaya pala” (eqivalent to: now i know why)

third, He transformed me.
i wasnt really reading my Bible as in everyday
i only read it when i remember it, like once a week or twice a month
but then, because of the prayer and fasting event in the church
i trained myself to read the Bible everyday for a week, then it continued from then on
at first, it was a struggle, then eventually i find myself craving for it
its like food. no. it is really a food–for the soul.
then, i was eating liquid (like a baby), now i am eating meat.
He answers my prayers, my questions through it so it has made me develop more trust in Him, more dependence on Him, through it, HE has showed me that HE ANSWERS
not just through answered wishes/prayers, but also through the Bible, He explains to you His will, He as if gives you the mechanics on how to use His blessing, it’s like a how-to-do tool
it’s just sooooo amazing!

and yes, He also tested me through the impossibilities!
He never fails to do that to me ( i pray that He would also test you, and i assure you, overcoming these impossibilities would be one of your testimonies that God is not just a small God, HE is the Big GOd!)
my grades were low during the first semester.. then He even made me one of the lowest.
that got into me, so that pushed me to study really hard.. and the fruits are sweet..
then i lied low again, but He didnt fail me, it was as if He reminded me.. “Hey, you’re not studying again! don’t reapeat that, lest i would make your grades fail”
but then i didnt study again, and it was already finals soooo… i told myself: “hindi ka na nga lang mag aaral, sa finals pa!” (sarcastically saying, in the many periods of the sem that i would choose not to study, i chose final exams)
and hey, He proved me that He is God of many chances!

and finally, I passed. I passed my first year of medscul.

“strong crushes on someone older.”

now i know. cause i started at 12. then that continued from then on.

“pag nabubusog ako, naaalala kita, pano ba yan, lagi akong busog… edi lagi kitang naaalala”

cheesy moment again

when was the last time i have felt this?
i even dreamt of it knina
sbi ko pa dun,
khit lanta na ung bulaklak, okay lang, tpos napayakap pa ako syo
ano ba un?!

diba dapat wala na?
kasi past na e
as in actually marami na nga dumating e
na nagtake ng place mo
pero bkit prang i still find myself finding you?

oa na nga eh
oa na sa tagal
sbi nila, wala naman yan sa tagal e
pero oa na tlga sa tagal e!
kung alam mo lng kung gano katagal, maooa-yan ka tlga

you still have this “effect” on me
whenever i see you
but i guess this time its different
kasi ngayon, hindi na ako nagseselos pag my kasama kng iba
actually this time, pag nkikita kong may kasama kang iba,
mas naaalala ko ung times na kasama kita
e dati pag may kasama kang iba, ang nasa isip ko
tae, sino yan?!!!!!! sino yang kasama nia??!!!!!!
sabay hunt nung mga gals na kasama mo
ako na!
haha
ako na ang dakilang hunter.

ewan ko.
i was convinced na moved on na ako
pero why do i still miss you?
i guess…..
there is still a bit of love left
sa tagal ba naman na un
sa pinagsamahan na un
mawawala ba naman un nang gnun gnun lng? as in lahat ng un?
kung ano man un? ahaha

but this i say..
i still wish and pray that you open yourself to love
not just for brotherly love nor friendly love
but to falling in love
that an overflow of love would just burst out of that heart
ung tipong sasabog na..

i want you to feel that.
ung sabog bulkan na hindi na mapigilan,
ung sobrang overflow of love that you already decide to share it with someone special
i want you to feel that
even if its not with me
alam ko kasing there are things tlga na you cant understand unless you, yourself, felt it first hand.

this is how i love you….that you experience love—–even if its not with me.

but one thing im sure of now,
i like kim hyoon joong. <3

with love.

p.s.
i wanted to see him personally
i like him
we could be friends.
hopefully
why, nothing is impossible
right, God?

i never felt this kilig for a long time
it was like a beam of light refocusing, taking my attention
it wasnt even at first look that i noticed
it wasfar beyond my expectations

my friends ask me on the first days if there were potentials, i said none
i was sure of it, there was none
i thought i knew myself all too well, but i guess not
i am not falling for someone else
i was just amazed or shall i say overwhelmed by every little grammar he attempts to correct, for every little mannerisms he effortlessly do,
o yes, i was really overwhelmed
when i was the last time i felt this way?
i dont know. i know it was different from the recent ones.. or even the first ones..
now, it for real.. now, it is near.

i am not holding back. but i am in control.
i dont want this to get worse but i want this to improve
not to increase in depth but increase in wisdom
a sign that, finally, i get better choices
he drinks, but not a drunkard
he may be delinquent, but he gets one of the highest scores
he may be one of the boys out there, but he doesnt smoke
he may be cursing, but he is still way way better than any of them
he is.. not my standard
but he totally took my attention
now i know that i am not just looking to just any face
but for a real man, who knows how to treat girls with respect.
errrr.. i like him, i guess.
i dont know.
but for now, ill just let God do his thing..
i love the company.
maybe id just enjoy what i have now
i love the feeling
and if the feeling is gone
i know, this time, i made a wise choice
and that is
to
WAIT.

Like ballet sweeping the air

Like a kiss made to soar

And descend as Divine stare

Flee to the crescent moon’s smile

Escape from the war of silenced frown

To a fairy’s garden for a while

With thoughts of bliss from the unknown

Taking away the flesh that burn

Leave the heart from sorrow’s midst

Feed it with love from Heaven’s throne

To seal the flesh from its disease